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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah, this didn't get to me either. I need a reason to care, but there is none. Like Karma said, it was detatched. These are pretty high teenage emotions, and the reader wants to be able to feel them as the characters do. Who the heck are they, and why did they have to break up, according to the girl's mother? I can't feel bad for either of these characters if I don't know things like this.
You've also got to work on the grammar, particularly in your dialogue. Cassandra got one point. I believe there is a topic in the Writing Tips section about dialogue grammar that would be helpful to you.
It didn't really move me, I thought it was slightly detatched, and so I thought this was not very emotional, although you do have some things in there, such as "never had she felt so broken and hurt". The pronouns didn't work for me.
This wanted to make me cry! *sobs*
The main thing to fix is all the "..."s/ellipses. In most of the places you used them, a period or comma would've probably done the job just as well, and the ellipses make the piece seem kind of vague and dreamy, not as emotionally wrenching as it should be. So just go through and cut out the ellipses, inserting commas and periods, depending on which fits. For example, make this:
Into this:
His prom night. Never had she felt so broken and hurt. And everyday she saw him, it was plain torture.
Why did her mother want them to break up? This could add another level to the story. Is the boy a bad influence? Are her parents racist? Does her mother just think she's not old enough to be dating?
You use the word "now" twice in this sentence, which sounds a little repetitive when you read it out loud. I'm also a little confused. Is she thinking "He's gone now," or is she thinking "What now?" Both? If she's thinking both thoughts, this might work better:
He's gone, she thought. What now?
You're writing about something that everyone goes through at one time or another. Make the reader feel your character's turmoil and connect with her emotions. Also, I understand that she's upset, but she cries A LOT in this piece. Crying is okay, but try to find some other ways to show how upset she is. Maybe she's not interested in the things she used to be. Maybe she has no appetite. Maybe her grades are dropping. You get the idea.
Nice work.